I am sad

I have not blogged in a while. still travelling to maryland. a lot has happened. i had a good weekend too. i'm kind of sad though, been kind of a feeling i've had last day or two. i will explain later.

so this weekend i was saying was really nice. i got to see lot's of people i had not seen in a long time. first i went to fellowship on friday, this fellowship i stopped going last year in May, but I felt i wanted to see them again so I went. actually it was really nice to worship again and it is clear to me how important having a fellowship/small group is. just having someone there is good enough for me. but yeah, the worship that night, and also watching a sermon from 7:22.org, it was really nice night.

saturday morning met up with some tcbc folks for breakfast. we are trying to do this once a month, and it has been really nice so far. after breakfast we were just like, i want to see this movie, then someone else said they wanted to too. and then we're like, ok, let's go then. so we had to wait for the movie, well let's go to chapters. so we spent 3 hours in chapters, then went to see movie. so i spent the whole day with them pretty much, another really nice day. i have not done something like that in a while, yet it is so simple of a thing to do. just getting together with friends and spending the day together, sharing laughs and stories. i really miss that.

sunday night went to ken/ann's place for dinner with some other tcbc folks. again, good to see ken/ann/mayah, but looking at them actually makes me think about future and friends, and it makes me sad. i look at them, people i used to see every week and now i hardly get to talk/see them and i wonder and think how many more of these will i have? and then there is their relationship, i imagine they have their own struggles within their relationship as any couple inevitably has, but their love for each other and others is really admirable. so this makes me feel sad because i wonder to myself, how will my relationship be with my wife and then others when perhaps i find a wife? oh, and i look throughout their home, they have many pieces of art that they made themselves, a reminder to themselves and to others inside the house who the head of the house is. God is the head of the house. This also makes me sad, because I think to myself, wow, these two God loving people either constantly need the reminder that God is around them, which makes me sad because even people who I view as strong Christians need to be reminded then where does that leave me? Or they want others to know that their love comes from the Lord, which makes me sad because how transparent that is and how guarded I am. And they can do this because they both share the same love for God Almighty in the same way.

recently i've been talking to some people, and talking to them makes me sad. just so you know, i talk to them seperately and not together. but why does talking to them make me sad? because every time i talk to them it's like a lot of stuff about life/relationships/hardships and it's really draining. don't get me wrong, i find it great that they are willing to talk to me about themselves, how they feel, what they are doing, God's principles, life's struggles, but it's really draining. and when all the talking is not always happy moments in either my own, or their own life, it just makes it more sad. because i hear their stories, i tell my own stories, and just all this information is hard, especially when i hear about the things that has affected them. it saddens me because i'm really not sure sometimes how i feel about these situations, how to deal with them (the situation, or my friends), how to respond, whether how i responded is sensitive. just so many questions. but then these brings questions to me and my own life too, and it makes me even more sad because they are questions that i am not sure of myself. this is especially true for questions that have a biblical answer, and then the social answer. for example, let's say hypothetically the question is: does my travelling affect my spiritual life? is it God's plan for me to travel for work? the simple answer is no I am ok. but then i start thinking about how by me travelling, what does that affect? does it affect my church? does it affect others within the church? oh man, so many open questions that don't have simple questions, and because of all this I am saddened.

then there is work, work saddens me because i have goals in mind that i think once God wanted me to pursue. i am not totally sure it's in His will anymore, though I feel it sometimes. however, it has not happened yet so I am constantly debating and praying of whether it is God's will. and then the politics of the workplace of getting things done is just so hard, and it's like u need to push, but you can't push too much either. you don't want to step on peoples' toes, but if you don't you won't get anywhere either. i've been waiting for the opportunity for a year and a half, how much longer do i wait? at some point in time i gotta look out for myself too!

and i am also sad that people i know do not have work. or that they are unhappy at their workplace. such factors are like totally out of my control, yet i want to somehow help them but i cannot. i wish i can say something that will help them, but i don't know what to say.

and then on top off all this, i've talked to some non-Christians lately, and they share with me their life, and all the things they worry about. and i think to myself, well i have those questions too, how come it does not bother me? (there is a specific question that brings up this 'bothering' thing, but i won't say what it is). and i thought to myself, i think it does not bother me because i know that i have a purpose, and God is in my life and as long as I trust in Him, this should not bother me because He will provide. However my non-Christian friend obviously does not feel the same way, they only have questions and sadness because it bothers them. and I think to myself, if only they knew of Jesus and confided in Him, because He gives meaning to life and life purpose, and everything else is just not as important.