What’s wrong with me?

This is one question I’ve been struggling with for a while now. What do I mean by this you ask. Well let me update you on what I did today. I went to church today and went to Sunday school Class. The class is on Romans, taught by Gavin McCombie, and seems like a great teacher. We talked about Romans 3 today and it seemed like an interesting discussion.

So why is it that I don’t understand a thing in that class? Why is it I have trouble understanding sermons? I’m a fairly tall guy; things can’t get go over my head that easily you’d think. But they do, I can’t seem to understand anything these days, either my brain has totally stopped, or things are just too difficult for me.

I think one of the problem I have with understanding is I’m not a dictionary, nor am I an English major. I don’t understand all the words people use. Hearing all these words, and not being able to connect them to the rest of the sentence gives me a hard time to understand anything they’re talking about.

Another problem (that I’m quite certain of) is I don’t read the passage before. I should be reading Romans chapter by chapter before each class, yes I don’t. So this week, going to read Romans 4 first, so I can prepare myself for next week, and get to Romans 1-3 when I can get back to it. Don’t know if that’s a good idea, but otherwise, I’d be behind 3 weeks if I don’t read Chapter 4 first.

So back to this problem. I have found over the past while sermons have been a real problem for me. Not that I don’t agree with them, but it’s hard to agree with anything when you don’t understand it. I found that with CC as well. A lot of things I heard loud and clear from Donna Dong, but other things seemed to go over my head. Maybe it was fatigue, but still, I think I should be able to at least comprehend a little. I do in a way, but not enough.

So what is my problem there? One other factor may be the fact I drift it seems. A little too much sometimes. I block out things periods at a time, can’t seem to get focused on the talk. I don’t know if it’s whether I have a lot on my mind, or it’s just not interesting. All I know is I can’t seem to hear everything, thus I miss parts, which probably results in not understanding the whole sermon.

So I sat there in Sunday school today listening to a couple people talk. And I’m thinking to myself, I don’t understand what in the world Gavin is writing on the board. Law, is it Torah, or is it the whole book? Righteousness=Faith? Or does it? I did not feel I understood all this stuff he wrote down and how they tied in with each other. I sensed someone else felt the same way, and he asked about it. Got somewhat of an answer, but not sure if he was convinced or saw the light. Another thing is I get distracted too often. I notice the littlest things or expressions a person makes. As that guy was asking questions, I kept on getting distracted by some laughter elsewhere (because I don’t think she could believe he did not understand, or something) and then maybe how someone kept on looking towards this other person trying to use eye contact to see if the two of them are on the same page. Of course this is what I decipher from facial expressions only, the face says a lot, and you’d be surprised how much it says and how much it can be read. So of course all that was my observations, in no way is it fact (yet).

I wonder how many people are in the same boat as me. I judge that there are a lot of people. But then I look around class, and I see several people nodding their heads, oh yeah, I agree with you Gavin (they says in their minds). But I wonder whether they do? They may in fact do understand, which is great. I still do not.

A friend of mine suggested to me to write notes. And I may just start doing that. I’ve hardly ever written notes during Sunday school or Sermons. I’ve done it a few times, but not often, maybe I should take it up. But as I was sitting in class today, I thought to myself, how much can I write? How can I write something if I don’t understand it? They’d just be words with no meaning. And then I though, I don’t even know what I’d write, what are important points that I should remember?

At some point, I’d actually like to challenge the teacher with thoughts of my own, but I am far from that. Right now, I am just an observer. I think that is one of my biggest fears and reasons why I have not been baptized yet (that’s right, I am not baptized, unless anyone counts as a baby in the Catholic church). I don’t feel I understand The Book, I don’t feel I can just pick up The Book, read 10 passages, and maybe understand 5 of them. Heck, I’d be surprised if I can understand 5 of them. I can’t even understand most sermons and Sunday school. Again, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I remember when I used to understand Sunday school to some extent, and hear some sermons (not a whole lot, but some) but more and more it’s become difficult. So if anyone has any insight on how to understand more, or comments on the above, feel free to write to me at cheunj@ecf.utoronto.ca.
In the meantime, I’ll read Romans 4 by end of week.