so much on my mind

so much has happened in past few weeks. first i am no longer in maryland, changed projects, but as a result of changing projects now I am evaluating so much in my own life.

last week I went to go see some friends perform in a play. basically a few students wrote a play, and they put it on. It was all in Cantonese and was about escaping the world. I really enjoyed this play actually, a lot. the actors were actually very good and made me really haev some emotions for some of the characters. there was this one girl who played the mean wife, and oh my goodness, she played her part so convincingly that i literally felt some disliked towards her character. the play also touched on a lot of points that are of interest to me. there was a caucasian male in the play, so he tried to speak cantonese in the play and when he did, everyone laughed. Why is it so funny when someone who can't speak the language, laugh when they try? why this thought came up was although this was not a comedic play, the only "laughable" parts were pretty much when he was in the scene and trying to speak chinese. also there were these two characters who are in "America" let's say, and their theory is you don't need to speak english here, there are enough chinese people around that you don't have a need, you can ignore the english language and live as if you were in HK. I find this totally true actually, especially in Toronto. But I also find this sad, especially for those who either feel this way, or fall into this trap. It happens a lot actually, and I've seen it myself. My cousin who is from HK came here for high school. he struggled with it and i can tell that he really was not picking up english too well, partly cause the only people he knows are chinese, so what's the need. alas he went back, but i feel sorry because although we're not trying to make everyone "Canadian", still tehy came here for something different and they aren't getting it either.

so i was saying changing projets at work has gotten me to think a lot. Most of this thinking has to do with God's plan for me. I am beginning to doubt whether God wants me to go abroad even though I felt it before, try to convince myself that's what He wants, and it's definately what I want. When I first started this job I really felt Him calling me overseas, but I've been there for a while now and since nothing has happened, I am beginning to doubt. However, if He doesn't want me there, I don't feel there is anything here either which sucks too. Two years ago when it did not happen right away I could totally see why. I was involved in several ministries that required me to be here. However, now is not the case anymore, so what does God have planned for me? Also, I've never been too involved with TCBC, and a few years back I considered leaving. However when summer 2004 started, things started to change and I could see God wanting me to stay at TCBC, and this was a result mostly of the people, and the small group. However, now is not the case. I still have not been serving within the church, and I can almost say that one of the reasons I stick there is the people that I've built a relationship with. But is that enough I ask myself? Shouldn't there be more? I think I want more and this makes me struggle.

At Sunday school this past week, we talked about spiritual partner. This class is slightly older, so we do have some married people in the class, just to put into context my thoughts. So here's what I was thinking, I asked one guy when we got into pairs, shouldn't your spiritual partner also be your life partner? Perhaps "shouldn't be" is not right question, but really I guess I would want to share these things with my life partner, no? I mean I can understand there are certain things you won't want to share with them, say if they are about your relationship with them, but everything else is not fair game? Now I am not married, so I can't really gauge what it will be like. I mean I can understand there being benefit in them being, and also in not and having someone else. But wouldn't you want your spouse to know waht you are struggling with, then they can share in your struggles and provide support? just some random thoughts.